Funkie Brewster
29-31 Davies Street, Rosanna
03 9457 4858
Breakfast, Cafe, Coffee, Coffee and Tea
$$
Food
- Acai Bowl
- Waffle On
- Spanish Style Meatballs
- Mexican Wagyu Beef Burger
- Dr. Marty’s Crumpets
- Almond Have The Pancakes
- Flat White
- Mango Madness
The Good
Nothing.
The Mediocre
The Acai Bowl was markedly pedestrian. and has got to be one of the worse presentations we’ve ever seen for a dish that’s normally so nicely layered and plated up. With a variety of seeds, nuts and granola scattered on top as well as shaved coconut, these elements provided a pleasant crunch and good contrast to the blended fruits. However as our meal progressed, it quickly became evident that frozen fruits were used to assemble the dish, as the ice began to melt and hence separate from the pureed fruits itself, which resulted in the bowl becoming increasingly watery and bland.
We were excitedly anticipating the Waffle On, but this fell way short of expectations. The sweet potato waffles themselves were dense and doughy, a tad undercooked and very limp. Without any crispy outer edges, the dish was severely lacking balance in textures, especially when coupled with the over-cooked poached eggs. The roast capsicum puree was weak and failed to excite the tastebuds, while the kale chips were stale and lacked crunch. It’s such a shame that this overly ambitious dish was so poorly executed.
The Bad
The Spanish Style Meatballs were also disappointing to say the least. While the tomato-based sauce was flavoursome and well-seasoned, same can’t be said about the meatballs. Overly dense, the protein within too finely minced and exceedingly dry, and resulted in a borderline chewy and slightly doughy experience. Coupled with stale, cut-up slices of toast that someone seemingly played Jenga with, this dish certainly didn’t impress.
The Mexican Wagyu Beef Burger looked mighty spectacular, but was highly disappointing. From our first bite, the flavours reminded us very much of the Whopper from Hungry Jacks. Between the buns were loads of mayo, bits of lettuce cheese and tomato, and of course, beef. Too bad the so-called “wagyu beef” in this burger was severely overcooked, and as a result was exceedingly tough and dry. So much so it didn’t really warrant another bite. The corn chips were also stale and failed to provide the desired crunch. The only saviour would be the spicy jalapeño mayo, though you really needed to lather it on to mask the generic taste and dryness of the whole burg. I guess the burgers are really better at Hungry Jacks, and let’s be honest, there’s nothing “Mexican” nor “Wagyu” about this burger.
Dr. Marty’s Crumpets seemed to be a promising dessert option judging from past photos, but they were terribly executed on this occasion. Burnt, dry, and rock hard, literally no amount of vanilla bean mascarpone nor apple infused maple syrup could salvage this tragedy. How one even fucks up heating up a store-bought crumpet, and had the nerve to serve it to customers, is complete beyond my comprehension. Also, that apple-infused maple syrup was downright disgusting.
There’s nothing worse than trying to cover up your mistakes and hope your customers don’t notice, but that’s exactly what Funkie Brewster attempted to do with the “Almond Have The Pancakes”. With a distinctly different presentation from past patrons (yes we arranged it so we can get some proper photos), it was uncovered that the reason for this was that both pancakes were served broken, and they were trying to hide this fact. Digging into the still-fluffy stack, we uncovered that the inner was tragically undercooked and doughy. The vanilla bean mascarpone was pleasant and was well complemented by the fresh fruits, though we left the pancakes alone as they were altogether too mushy due to the undercooking.
The drinks tragically not much better than the food. With the Flat White watery and milky, lacking in coffee flavour or aroma, we turned to the Mango Madness Smoothie. With a truckload of ice and even more sugar blended within, this artificially sweetened drink was very icy, and didn’t taste much of fresh fruits or mangos for that matter.
The Verdict
It was a thoroughly unimpressive brunch. Not only were the dishes universally poorly executed, but trying to cover up your mistakes and pull wool over your customer’s eyes by hiding them is completely unacceptable.
Given our visit, it’s clear that no respect was given to both the preparation of the food, nor the customers. You know you’re too far gone when chefs sticking bacon into the deep fryer is an acceptable practice and an alternative to pan-frying or grilling.
Would Penguin Eat Again?
No, no, and no. I simply cannot, in good conscience, recommend anyone visit this cafe.
Penguineats was invited to dine at Funkie Brewster.